One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. Now a man who was lame from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, “Look at us!” So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them.
Then Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong. He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God. When all the people saw him walking and praising God, they recognized him as the same man who used to sit begging at the temple gate called Beautiful, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him. Acts 3:1-10
“When people show you their boundaries (“I can’t do this for you”), you feel rejected. You cannot accept the fact that others are unable to do for you all that you expect from them. You desire boundless love, boundless care, boundless giving.
Part of your struggle is to set boundaries to your own love—something you have never done. You give whatever people ask of you, and when they ask for more, you give more, until you find yourself exhausted, used, and manipulated. Only when you are able to set your own boundaries will you be able to acknowledge, respect, and even be grateful for the boundaries of others.
In the presence of the people you love, your needs grow and grow, until those people are so overwhelmed by your needs that they are practically forced to leave you for their own survival.
The great task is to claim yourself for yourself, so that you can contain your needs within the boundaries of your self and hold them in the presence of those you love. True mutuality in love requires people who possess themselves and who can give to each other while holding on to their own identities.
So, in order both to give more effectively and to be more self-contained with your needs, you must learn to set boundaries to your love.”
Henri Nouwen in The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom (New York: Image, 1999) 20. Found another winner! I located this book in PDF form. Reply if you want a copy.
Today Henri helps us learn how to give more effectively. This is something I think most readers want to know. We see it illustrated in today’s Scripture.
Peter and John head into the temple and the lame beggar expects something from them. This is true for all of us, even if we are not lame. We have expectations of each other linked to giving.
When he asks them for a handout of money, the reply of Peter and John shocks him. They don’t give him what he wants but what he needs from what they have. They offer a hand up. A miracle happens.
Nouwen’s counsel echoes this. It may surprise us because Henri does not point us to study the analytics of various charities to give more effectively. In plain terms, he does not point us outward, but rather inward.
Peter and John had boundaries and knew what they could give. When we set such boundaries we too are able to increase the effectiveness of our loving generosity. What might such boundaries look like for you?